


be yourself.

by mngokdy



Series: blonded life [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, College, M/M, Probably not very good, Song Fic Kinda, barely any fluff, brief mention of alcohol, i love doyoung and jaehyun, i love taeyong and johnny i promise, past jaeyong, potential series, sicheng is the pal we need
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 05:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17574974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mngokdy/pseuds/mngokdy
Summary: sometimes past heartbreak will bring something new.somewhat of a song fic inspired by "be yourself" and "self control" by frank ocean.





	be yourself.

_ “don't try to be someone else. don't try to be like someone else, don't try to act like someone else, be yourself. be secure with yourself. rely and trust upon your own decisions. on your own beliefs.” _

_ “keep a place for me, for me. i'll sleep between y'all, it's nothing. it's nothing, it's nothing.” _

_ - _

jaehyun really should’ve listened to his mom. he should’ve known that he can’t trust people. he should’ve known that relationships never worked out. he should’ve known not to trust  _him_ .  jaehyun had always thought that love would come easy for him. why wouldn’t it? he is everything anyone would ever want. he’s beautiful, sweet, funny, and intelligent, but, why wouldn’t  _ he _ love him? although jaehyun is in his third year at seoul national university, he feels like he has experienced enough heartache to last him a lifetime.

-

when jaehyun had first laid his eyes on  _ him,  _ he knew that he was going to be in trouble. he was a third year, while jaehyun was just a measly freshman. his campus is huge, but somehow, he would always cross paths with the same boy. one day, from his best friend, sicheng, he had found that the boy’s name is lee taeyong and that he’s a literature major. jaehyun didn’t know how he always saw the boy, considering he’s a freshman and an economics major, but he didn’t mind because he thought taeyong was the most ethereal boy he had ever seen.

after a few weeks of merely passing taeyong, not attempting to make any conversation, he decided to start small. as jaehyun saw taeyong walking towards him, he put on a slight smile, making his dimples show. “hi,” jaehyun says, continuing to walk past him, not giving taeyong the chance to reply. the next day, taeyong had done the same thing. because of this small interaction, the two of them had fallen into a daily routine of quickly saying ‘hi’ whenever they would pass one another. soon, jaehyun had gotten tired of this and wanted more, he really wanted to get to know taeyong.

since jaehyun had the tendency to be an anxious boy, he knew that if he were to stick around after asking taeyong to hang out, he would be a complete and utter mess. he let out a brief sigh as he saw taeyong approaching him. he quickened his steps, feeling his anxiety seep into his bones, and thinking that if he didn’t ask as soon as possible, he would cower. as jaehyun got closer to taeyong, he saw his mouth open, but was able to beat taeyong’s voice by blurting out, “h-hey! let’s hang out!” he grimaced at the shaking of his own voice and quickly walked away before taeyong could give him an answer.

“what do you mean you just ‘walked away’?” sicheng asked, lying on his bed while looking at his best friend who had just stormed into their dorm. “i mean, i just walked away because i got scared of rejection” jaehyun said, out of breath because he had practically ran away. sicheng gave him a little eye roll and was about to open his mouth but, again, jaehyun was just a little bit faster, “i know you’re about to chide me, but just shut up for a second. taeyong is literally everything beautiful and wonderful, it is natural to be just a little bit scared.” sicheng just looked at his best friend and gave a quiet chuckle, “please tell me that you don’t have feelings for a complete stranger. please say sike, just this once.” jaehyun didn’t answer sicheng and just stared at him for a second, but sicheng had already gotten his answer. knowing this, jaehyun let out a sigh, “okay, yes i have some feelings for a complete stranger. i may not know who he is, but he’s really pretty and reminds me of everything nice in life, okay? it probably won’t even go anywhere, but being his friend would be nice.” sicheng didn’t say anything and simply shrugged his shoulders.

the next day, jaehyun was filled with a new fear: rejection. he had a feeling taeyong would reject his offer of hanging out. why wouldn’t he? taeyong radiated something so amazing, something that jaehyun would never be able to compete with. while jaehyun was lost in his thoughts, he didn’t see the pretty boy that was approaching him. as jaehyun continued his walk, while looking at the ground, he accidentally bumped into someone. “sorry” he mumbled, not really meaning it. “wow, is this what i get after you ran away from me yesterday?” jaehyun’s head shot up and he was met with taeyong looking at him, showing a small, but cute smile. when jaehyun had saw that, he swore he felt butterflies erupt in him. 

jaehyun gave him a shy smile and quietly chuckled, trying to brush off the embarrassment of the whole situation. “i wanna hang out.” again, jaehyun was shocked, he didn’t know how to react. taeyong wanted to hang out with him, maybe he did have a chance.

a week later, the two of them hung out for the first time and as time went on, those hang outs turned into dates. however, taeyong was nothing like jaehyun had expected. he had thought that taeyong was a nice and wholesome boy, but oh was he wrong. early in the relationship, jaehyun had found out that taeyong drank a bit. there’s nothing wrong with partaking in alcohol sometimes, but jaehyun found himself seeing taeyong drink quite often. taeyong told him that it helped him with writing, but jaehyun thought that there was more to the habit than that.

jaehyun and taeyong's relationship had been nothing but perfect. he felt safe with taeyong and he felt like he could truly be himself around him. he had never felt so alive, he never wanted that feeling to end, but he was too naïve. a year into their relationship, jaehyun knew that he was right to question taeyong’s ‘small’ habit. taeyong had become a different person and jaehyun didn’t know what to do. those small drinks had become fuller and taeyong went out more often. 

with taeyong often disappearing, negative thoughts began to plague jaehyun’s mind. jaehyun was in love with taeyong and he believed that taeyong felt the same, he had to, right? why else would taeyong still be in the relationship if he no longer felt anything for jaehyun? taeyong wouldn’t intentionally hurt jaehyun’s feelings, there’s no way. 

in order to ensure taeyong would stick around with him, jaehyun started going against everything his mom told him. jaehyun started going out with taeyong, they went everywhere. they mainly went to bars and he saw how much taeyong has changed, taeyong was now a heavy drinker and was no longer sweet. taeyong was slightly flirtatious with other guys, jaehyun didn’t do anything about it, but that didn’t mean he liked it. jaehyun knew that he needed to get on taeyong’s level or else taeyong would get bored.  whenever they went out, jaehyun always heard his mom in the back of his mind, “many college students have gone to college and gotten hooked on drugs, marijuana, and alcohol. listen, stop trying to be somebody else. don't try to be someone else.” jaehyun let out a sigh, knowing he shouldn’t be doing this, for the sake of someone else, but he was in love and love makes people do dumb things. 

the day that everything turned sour will be one that jaehyun will never forget. he was planning on meeting taeyong at the usual bar that they went to after he finished doing some errands. unluckily for him, he finished earlier than expected and decided to head over to the bar a bit earlier than planned. when he walked in, he immediately saw his boyfriend and started walking towards them, but then he saw a taller guy bend down and kiss taeyong. jaehyun stopped dead in his tracks and stared. 

hurt filled his body like a flood and he didn’t know what to do. jaehyun slowly began to feel rage swell inside of him and he unconsciously clenched his fists. “lee taeyong” jaehyun said, anger dripping from his voice. taeyong disconnected from the taller boy and looked shocked to see jaehyun there. taeyong looked at his boyfriend and was able to see the anger start to grow. “how long has this been going on? how long have you been cheating on me?” jaehyun asked, trying to control his anger. “for about a month. i wanted something new jaehyun. i was getting bored, i was getting tired” taeyong replied, but there seemed to be little concern in his voice. jaehyun let out a scoff and looked at the taller boy, who’s arm had made his way to taeyong’s waist. “who are you?” jaehyun asked. the boy gave jaehyun a smirk before replying, “seo johnny.” jaehyun let out a bitter chuckle and looked back at taeyong, who didn’t seem to care about the exchange happening, that broke jaehyun the most. 

jaehyun wanted to cry, he wanted to yell, and he wanted to stop being in love with the boy who hurt him the most. jaehyun let out a shaky breath and knew that this was the end. he wanted to be the one to end the relationship, he didn’t want to give taeyong the satisfaction of breaking him even more. jaehyun felt himself shake and he felt tears swell in his eyes, he wanted to say the words ‘i’m breaking up with you’ or ‘we’re over’, but he couldn’t. he felt the words burn on the tip of his tongue, he had to, but it would hurt too much, it would feel too real. jaehyun looked at taeyong for one last time and shook his head, then he walked away, both knowing that it was the end. he wanted to look back, but he knew that if he did, he would feel more pain than before. 

he walked back to his dorm, his tears still haven’t fallen, but he felt the continuous sting. he didn’t want to cry. he didn’t want to let someone control his emotions so easily. his heart was already broken, he didn’t want stinging eyes to go along with that. as soon as jaehyun got to his dorm, he kicked off his shoes and slammed the door. sicheng was out of his room in record time to see why jaehyun had slammed the door. he opened his mouth to nag at jaehyun about the door, but he quickly closed it when he saw jaehyun shaking and tears flooding his eyes. 

sicheng quickly made his way towards jaehyun and wrapped his arms around him. jaehyun basically collapsed in sicheng’s arms and allowed himself to sob. sicheng didn’t know what to do other than try his best to give his best friend reassuring words. sicheng held jaehyun for hours and jaehyun didn’t stop crying. he weakly told sicheng what happened and he immediately felt sicheng go tense. he knew that sicheng was angry, but he also knew that sicheng wouldn’t confront taeyong, for jaehyun’s sake.  for the next few months, jaehyun was a wreck. he didn’t know how to get over taeyong. times have changed from freshman year and he no longer saw taeyong whenever he went to school. the end of his second year was coming and that meant he didn’t have to see taeyong at all, he was graduating. that thought made jaehyun feel bitter. he and taeyong were supposed to celebrate such a good day together, but now he knows that it won’t happen. 

at night, jaehyun felt worse. during the day he was able to hide how he felt and was able to mask his feelings, but at night, he was alone. yeah, sicheng was nearby, but jaehyun couldn’t burden him anymore. jaehyun would toss and turn in his bed and just wanted taeyong to be with him. he often thought about johnny and taeyong together. he wondered if they were still together and he wondered if they were happy. he knows that taeyong has to leave his mind, but he can’t help but bring him right back. he wants to be his boyfriend in his wet dreams. he wants to sleep between johnny and taeyong, he can’t, but he wants a place between them. he believed that he belonged with taeyong, johnny didn’t deserve him. during nights like these, jaehyun would go to a place where it overlooks the city. it was just a ledge, but there were benches and jaehyun would sit and look out at the city.it looked beautiful at night. the way the buildings would reflect the night light and the way that the buildings looked like they reached space made jaehyun feel something other than sadness.

-

jaehyun has been able to get over taeyong, it’s been months. he doesn’t think about him and johnny anymore. but sometimes, his mind goes to dark places. sometimes he finds himself putting the blame on himself because he doesn’t know where everything went wrong. he really thought that he and taeyong were doing great. taeyong’s words repeat in his mind. he remembers how taeyong said it, he remembers how he felt in the bar, he remembers everything. “i was getting bored, i was getting tired.” jaehyun shakes his head, as if it would get rid of any negative feelings that he held.

jaehyun looked outside and saw the darkness of night looming over his campus. he got up and knew where he had to go in order to feel better about these recurring thoughts. as jaehyun made his way to the bench that he would always sit at, he saw someone else sitting there. he slowly approached the bench, weary of the potential dangers in front of him. as he looked at the person, he was able to see that it was a boy. he had dark hair and wide, innocent eyes. to jaehyun, he kind of resembled a bunny. not only that, the boy was attractive, but it looked like he was facing some issues of his own.

“can i help you?” a voice rang out into the night sky. jaehyun looked at the boy again and saw that he was staring right at him, an expecting look on his face. jaehyun let out a sigh and shook his head.  jaehyun just wanted to spend his night sitting at the bench and staring at the city to calm him down, but now he can’t. he went to turn around, but a voice stopped him, “y’know, you can sit here? you were obviously here to sit here, but since i’m here you won’t. i don’t bite and i can leave you alone.” jaehyun stopped in his tracks and was shocked by the bluntness of the statement.  he decided to listen to the stranger and take a seat next to him, there was a bit of space between of them, and jaehyun couldn’t help but feel somewhat awkward. in order to cut the awkwardness, jaehyun thought that he should at least introduce himself.

“i’m jaehyun” he said, without thinking about anything else he could’ve said and he refused to turn his head towards the boy. the boy looked to his left and looked at jaehyun for a second and smiled, “i’m doyoung.” jaehyun let a small smile grace his lips, feeling somewhat better about the stranger. jaehyun thought the name was cute, it fit the cute boy. “you don’t have to answer me, but why are you here? you look like you’re not doing too hot” doyoung said, looking towards the city. jaehyun grimaced a little, but he wasn’t bothered by doyoung asking. doyoung must’ve noticed jaehyun’s sudden change and was quick to apologize, but jaehyun just waved it off. he didn’t care if a stranger knew what was going on, it’s not like he would ever see him again.

as jaehyun began to tell doyoung the story about him and taeyong, he could feel his eyes boring into him. it didn’t bother him, it actually felt nice to talk to someone about taeyong. he didn’t want to bother sicheng anymore, and he figured that this would be the better alternative. jaehyun continued to stare at the city in front of him, admiring its beauty, but also feeling pain resurface within him. when jaehyun had finished telling his story to doyoung, he finally turned towards him and saw anger flash through his eyes. “i don’t understand why you feel like you did anything, jaehyun. you were wronged by taeyong. i used to know taeyong, he was different. i go to seoul national university, too. i was never friends with him, but i always saw him. i’m majoring in literature and i always saw that bright look on his face. to be quite honest, it made me feel sick. it might be the pessimist in me, but it all looked so forced. i think something was bound to happen, but that’s on him, not you” doyoung said, before turning back to the city view.

jaehyun sat in shock, again. doyoung was so straightforward, he didn’t have enough time to adjust yet. however, there was one part of what doyoung said that surprised him the most, “you go to snu? how come i’ve never seen you?” doyoung let out a chuckle, “we go to a big school, jaehyun. i’m a grade above you and we are in very different majors. it would be a surprise if we did know each other.” jaehyun sat with that for a second, and he didn’t know what else to say.  “so, you know why i’m here, but why are you here now?” jaehyun asked, looking towards doyoung. doyoung didn’t reply, he just continued to stare at the city. a sigh left his lips and he shut his eyes, he looked pained and jaehyun didn’t like that. he had barely met the boy, but there was something about him that made jaehyun want to protect him.  

“my parents just got a divorce and i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. i might be twenty-two, but everything just feels like it’s my fault. i have an older brother, but he’s the poster child. he is everything that my parents wanted, while i chose the different route. my mom supported me, but my dad didn’t. they kept fighting and i feel like everything just gets linked back to me. so, now i’m just here, trying to wallow in sadness and look at my surroundings. it’s pretty here. i like the way the city looks against the night. it’s such a nice contrast compared to the darkness. the light shining off of the buildings and seeing the somehow endless height of the buildings make me feel better. it makes me feel small, but it gives me reassurance. i like seeing the moon and i like seeing the stars if the clouds aren’t too heavy. i just like to be out of my same four walls, everything feels better” doyoung said as he looked up towards the sky, voice slightly wavering. jaehyun didn’t know how to react to what doyoung had just told him. it was kind of a funny situation, though. jaehyun was there because of someone breaking his heart, but doyoung was there because his parents’ broke their own. jaehyun shook his head and looked at doyoung, he wasn’t shocked when he saw tears streaming down his face.

“it’s not your fault, doyoung. i know that’s something easy to say and not believe, but it’s true. you can’t be putting the blame on yourself for their own fights. they are your parents, they both should’ve been supportive of you. if anything, this is a win for mom, if he really didn’t believe in you that much then that shows what kind of person he is” jaehyun said, still looking at doyoung. he couldn’t help but notice how nice the moonlight looked against doyoung’s pale skin.  doyoung let out a little chuckle, “you’re right, it is a lot easier to say that. if it were easy to believe then you wouldn’t be here right now.” jaehyun was only able to nod and he turned back at the city.

as the night progressed and it got later, he and doyoung were still sitting on the bench. but now that they were talking and joking, they were able to get to know each other. jaehyun saw the way doyoung’s smile lit everything up. he saw that his smile was all gums and he somehow resembled a rabbit even more. jaehyun felt himself get giddy whenever doyoung would get excited and more expressive, it made him happy. jaehyun realized that he didn’t want doyoung to stay a stranger anymore. jaehyun thought that maybe he was able to move on now. he felt better with doyoung, somehow, he felt better than he did when he was with taeyong. taeyong and doyoung both started off as strangers, but he wanted him and doyoung’s story to end differently.

before it got any later, the two of them knew they had to get back to their dorms before they got caught. but before they left, jaehyun knew he had to ask one thing, “hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” doyoung let out a chuckle and merely replied with, “that depends, are you going to run away before i get to the chance to answer?” needless to say, the both of them left with small smiles gracing their faces and feelings stirring in their chests.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written anything for two years so i'm really rusty,, if you made it this far then, props to you. i love johnny and taeyong, but this had to be done. if i feel motivated enough then this will potentially be a series, we will have to see, though!
> 
> follow me on twitter for exo, nct, and shinee content!  
> @bludks


End file.
